Really? Read online

  Jeremy Clarkson

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  Really?

  Contents

  Who cares if it’s slow? It’s got more toys than Hamleys Lexus NX 300h Premier

  Dear Deidre, I had a fling with my first love. She’s lost it Volkswagen Scirocco

  Sorry, sir, you can’t take that machine-gun in hand luggage Audi TT

  It’s drizzling, I’m doing 2mph … and all’s well with the world Ferrari California T

  With this many 911s, they were bound to make a good one Porsche 911 Carrera 4 GTS

  Perfect for Jimi’s hairdo, but no good for crosstown traffic Land Rover Discovery Sport

  No need for Supercar when Clutch Kent’s here Ford Fiesta Zetec S Red Edition

  The Hottest Hatch Bar None Streaks out of the Last Chintz Saloon Mercedes GLA AMG 4Matic

  Persuasion’s perfect, Miss Austen. Don’t go trying Perversion Ford Mondeo EcoBoost 1.5 Titanium

  We can’t go on like this. You’re beautiful but a control freak Mercedes S 63 AMG Coupé

  Cancel the Uber car – I’ll catch a Crazy Horse cab Mercedes-AMG GT S

  If you don’t buy one, at least watch the crashes on the Web Lamborghini Huracán LP 610-4

  Hold the high fives, Hank, till someone figures out how to drive it Chevrolet Corvette Z06

  Lower suspension, faster cornering but still no Italian starlet Porsche Cayman GTS

  Be gone, crazy creature. The ecstasy I feel is not enough Alfa Romeo 4C Coupé

  Usually, they send a Bluebeard. This time I got a blue rinse VW Passat 2.0 TDI SE Business

  Does this Spanish fly? No, it’s a homage to catatonia Seat Leon

  The Rangie Rolex: it’s big, it’s daft and your man can’t afford one Range Rover Sport SVR

  Common sense, pah. Look at this tasty Porsche pudding Porsche 911 Targa 4 GTS

  Let me introduce the latest member of the 500 family: Uncle Fester Fiat 500X 1.4 MultiAir Cross

  Put a forged Monet in the boot and you’d have a real bounder’s Jag Jaguar XE

  Sven and Thor’s safety car now comes with insomnia control Volvo XC90

  You did have one excuse not to buy a 3-series. Not any more BMW 3-Series 320d xDrive SE

  And on this bombshell, I can officially declare: we’re back McLaren P1

  Yabba-dabba-doo! T Rex is snarling in evolution’s face Lamborghini Aventador

  Fetch Fiona Bruce: I’ve found the world’s fastest antique Ford Focus ST Estate

  So smooth, Hank could perform eye surgery in the back Lincoln Town Car

  Ahoy, Captain Ahab – they’ve put quad exhausts on Moby-Dick Volkswagen Golf R Estate

  When the traffic stops, the love-life turbocharger starts to whir Fiat 500

  Not coming to a young boy’s bedroom wall near you … Renault Kadjar

  Et voilà! School-run mum slips into her thigh boots Peugeot 308 GTi

  Think hard before you hit the throttle in the camber gambler Nissan GT-R Track Edition

  I was ready to wrestle a fire-breathing raver, not an IT geek Audi R8 V10 Plus

  Remember the rolling Robins? Well, I’ve a confession to make Reliant Robin

  The turbocharged mammoth stampedes away from extinction Porsche Cayenne Turbo S

  Oh, you’re good, Audi, but I bet you can’t give it vertical take-off Audi A4 Quattro

  It could swallow a horse and forty-seven other things. Anyone with forty-eight must get a lorry Volkswagen Touran 2.0 TDI

  A sporty number … for Terry and June Suzuki Vitara S

  The beancounters’ gift to box-haulers BMW X1 xDrive 25d xLine

  I did not expect the wandering hands BMW 730Ld M Sport

  Sit back and let it torque the torque Lexus GS F

  Bubbling with ideas for inventors to pinch Suzuki Swift 1.2 SZ2

  Mix iron, wood and little boys’ dreams Ford Mustang Fastback 5.0 V8 GT Auto

  It’s a blast … until you look for the brakes Zenos E10 S

  For comfort and looks, a camel wins Hyundai i800 SE Manual

  Thor’s family chariot can race a Ferrari Volvo XC90

  It’s devilishly good at rattling Mr Normal Ferrari 488 GTB

  The superbarge gets a rocket up its rear Mercedes-AMG C 63

  The secret sex robot has testers in a fever BMW M2

  It’ll give Geoff all the fares he can carry Škoda Superb estate

  The attack bunny has hearts thumping Mazda MX-5

  Gary, son of God, v the bean-counters Ford Focus RS

  Ahh, sauerkraut sushi soup. Looks delicious Infiniti Q30

  I need a screensaver – and this ain’t it Vauxhall Astra SRi

  Raving in slippers with General Franco Seat Ibiza Cupra

  Merci, Bono, it’s just what I’m looking for Vauxhall Zafira Tourer

  Joie de vivre? Not in this Brexit poster boy Wolseley 1500 Mk 1

  Foot down, I’m in clover Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio Verde

  Mr Quirky, I’m here to burst your bubble wrap Citroën C4 Cactus

  Yo, homey, it’s an iDinosaur Bentley Continental GT Speed

  Tusk, tusk. It’s like an elephant on a unicycle Fiat 124 Spider

  Tweaked, but still a funometer-buster Ford Fiesta ST200

  A lesson from Audi to laptop makers Audi S8

  Take it away – I’m just not ready to grow up Citroën Grand C4 Picasso

  The moor the merrier in our hot hatch rally VW Golf GTI Clubsport

  Engineers – give it everything you’ve got Audi SQ7

  Torque of the town, but quiet as a mouse Bentley Mulsanne Speed

  Drop this one in the bin, please, robot Honda Jazz 1.3 i-VTec Ex Navi

  It’s dressed to thrill with nowhere to go Honda Civic Type R

  Pay attention, 007, this one does work Aston Martin DB11

  I figure it’s a must for algebra fans Mercedes E 220d

  From A to bliss in the Rolls flotation tank Rolls-Royce Wraith

  Fire up DCI Hunt – the quattro’s back Audi RS 7

  Pretty, well dressed and too clever by half Honda NSX

  Whatever you ask, this isn’t the answer Seat Ateca

  Take a seat in Sarah Lund’s mood room Volvo V90

  The Renault Scénic would be a steal – but it’s plastic Renault Scénic Dynamique

  Not so much wild horse as mild pony Ford Mustang 2.3 EcoBoost

  Gulp! Frankenstein’s been at the parts bin Maserati Levante

  This nanny tucks you in, then hugs everyone outside too BMW 530d M Sport

  So hot, you can cook breakfast in the boot Renault Twingo GT

  Something for the grizzled fur traders of Woking Škoda Kodiaq

  Death it can stop. Taxes are a problem Volvo S90

  Fat and silent, like a biscuit-loving ninja Mercedes E-class coupé

  They say it’s new, but thank heavens it’s not Volkswagen Golf GTI

  An SUV poster boy at last. Yes, it’s Italian Alfa Romeo Stelvio

  Well, we did tell Richard Hammond to fire it up Clarkson on the Hamster’s crash … and the new Range Rover

  I’ve done fast and silly fast, but this is flaming ridiculous The Bugatti Chiron

  Big roar, waggly tail: that’s my kind of lion Audi RS 5

  Better hold on really tight, queasy rider Mercedes-AMG GT C roadster

  My hop to the beach became a cliffhanger Porsche Panamera Turbo

  From second fiddle to rock guitar god BMW 5-series Touring

  Hey, Hans, Miguel’s done better than you Seat Leon ST Cupra 300 4Drive

  Dreaming to screaming in an instant BMW M760Li xDrive V12

  All mod cons, but fifty years too late Vauxhall Insignia Grand Sport

  Oh what a hoot to be Britain’s worst driver Audi RS 3 saloon

  An absolute must if you’
re all out of lust Porsche Panamera Turbo

  Beastly beauty needs a handsome plinth Ferrari GTC4Lusso

  This yob will make you smile and cringe Honda Civic Type R

  It goes bong but my heart goes bang Lamborghini Huracán Performante

  What you do in the woods is your affair Land Rover Discovery

  The appliance of Travelodge science McLaren 720S

  Pistol-packing agent hiding in a hat box Hyundai i30 N

  E.T., phone home and ask: just what is this? Volkswagen Arteon

  Perfect … if you want a new life of lease Audi A8

  Kitten heels that claw through ice Citroën C3 Aircross

  Supersonic, but it won’t fly in Blighty Kia Stinger GT S

  Grown-up thrills in a light-speed La-Z-Boy Alpina B5

  Its screaming abdabs are locked in the boot Lamborghini Urus

  A jihad-mobile comes a Cotswolds cropper Toyota Hilux

  Oh deer – lucky it has roadkill warning DS 7 Crossback

  Make way – I’m in my attack sub today Ferrari 812 Superfast

  Fast and furry – a fighter jet for pet lovers Audi RS 4 Avant

  Stuff the price tag: it’s love at first touch Range Rover Velar

  Lads, let’s leave it in the Italian sewers Mini 1499 GT

  Keep your powder, gin and 12-bore dry Twisted Land Rover Defender

  A power pup to make you sit up and beg Volkswagen Up! GTI

  The Lewis Hamilton of cars #blessed Bentley Continental GT

  It’s easy on the nose, but who’d pick it? Dacia Duster

  It’s the nation’s Bentley and Xi’s gotta have it The Hongqi L5, China’s presidential monster

  The northern lights at your fingertips Mercedes A-class

  Truly lovely – until you start the engine Volvo V60

  Ever so clever, but it’s not actually a car Audi Q8

  A bright spark with absolutely no point Hyundai Kona Electric

  So bouncy I daren’t break the speed limit Abarth 695 Rivale convertible

  Forty-nine shades of grey and one glorious red Mazda6 Tourer

  A bit on the dim side, but still a total belter Aston Martin Vantage

  A true Jag, but they forgot the engine Jaguar i-Pace

  Crazy pantomime horsepower Lamborghini Aventador S roadster

  Readers, it was love at second sight Ferrari GTC4Lusso T

  About the Author

  Jeremy Clarkson began his writing career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun, the Sunday Times, the Rochdale Observer, the Wolverhampton Express & Star, all of the Associated Kent Newspapers and Lincolnshire Life.

  By the same author

  Motorworld

  Jeremy Clarkson’s Hot 100

  Jeremy Clarkson’s Planet Dagenham

  Born to Be Riled

  Clarkson on Cars

  The World According to Clarkson

  I Know You Got Soul

  And Another Thing

  Don’t Stop Me Now

  For Crying Out Loud!

  Driven to Distraction

  How Hard Can It Be?

  Round the Bend

  Is It Really Too Much To Ask?

  What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

  As I Was Saying …

  If You’d Just Let Me Finish!

  The contents of this book first appeared in Jeremy Clarkson’s Sunday Times column. Read more about the world according to Clarkson every week in the Sunday Times.

  Who cares if it’s slow? It’s got more toys than Hamleys

  Lexus NX 300h Premier

  When a new Mercedes comes along, you know before you’ve even opened the door what it will be like. All Mercs feel broadly similar until the company changes direction, which happens about once every 4,000 years, and then, ever so slowly, they all start to feel slightly different.

  It’s the same story with BMW. Its cars were all fast and light for a long time, and then they all became heavy and a bit terrible, and now they’re all as good as cars can be (except the X3, obviously).

  With Lexus, you never know what you’re going to get. It’s not swings and roundabouts; it’s rollercoasters and big buckets full of steaming excrement. Some Lexuses are so brilliant that you have to bite the back of your hand to stop yourself crying out. Others are so bad that you consider driving at full speed into a tree to end the misery. And then you have those that are beautifully made but a bit forgettable. I can’t recall their names at the moment.

  Only recently, I tried the new RC F, which is a four-seat, two-door sports coupé priced and powered to compete with the BMW M4. And despite what my colleague said last week, it misses the target by about 217 miles, partly because it weighs more than the Atlantic Ocean and partly because you drive around everywhere in a wail of dreary understeer.

  So what of the new NX? Hmm. There are lots of letters that work well in a car’s name. T, for example, or S or R – R’s very popular right now. R says a lot about a man. It says nearly as much as Z. But N? No. N doesn’t work. It’s like U.

  To make matters worse, it’s one of those crossover SUV thingies, which are popular because they are perceived to be more robust and safer than ordinary hatchbacks. They’re not. But they are more expensive, more wasteful and needlessly enormous.

  What’s more, if you peel away the premium-brand badging, the NX is essentially a Toyota RAV4. So you can think of it as a sweatshop jumper with a Ralph Lauren horse on the front.

  Oh, and here’s the clincher. It’s a hybrid. It says so on the side, so that cyclists will not be tempted to bang on your roof as they pedal by. Yes, you’re driving a large car, but it’s kind to the environment so that’s OK. No, it isn’t. It’s unkind and daft. A hybrid may produce fewer carbon dioxides from its tailpipe than a normal car, but the cost to the planet of making the damn things with all those motors and batteries is immense. Anyone who buys a hybrid for ecological reasons is telling the world that they are an idiot.

  So, a crossover hybrid with an N in its name and low-rent underpinnings from a company that’s capable of turning out a howler from time to time. This is not looking good. But here’s the thing: it does. At first you think it’s all too complicated and fussy, but it’s actually very well proportioned and full of genuinely lovely touches. It’s one of those cars that compel you to turn round for another look after you’ve locked them up for the night.

  And it’s even better on the inside. The driving position is good, the dials look as if they were designed by the International Watch Company, the quality of the materials is way better than you have a right to expect for this price and there are many toys to play with. And just when you think you’ve played with them all, you find another bank of switches and off you go again. I especially liked the touchpad that steers the arrow around the satnav screen.